I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize