I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
