I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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