Will you blow on my dice?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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