In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize