3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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