My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
