Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
this is an emotional support booty call
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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