can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
