My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
