i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
