Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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