my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
