I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
