I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
