I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
