so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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