Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
