Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
