If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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