i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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