I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
