Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
