I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
