Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
