it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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