I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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