Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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