My underwear smells like fireworks.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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