yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
