You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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