I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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