Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
