I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
