Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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