At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
