Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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