Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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