I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
