I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize