he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
