watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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