I want to make a zoo with you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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