Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
