I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
