did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize