last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
