I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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