Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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