saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
