Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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