i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
