The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
