Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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