3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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