My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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