Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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